My New Blog

Posted: May 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

So I had an idea while driving around and thinking about other ways to make money with Uber and Lyft.  Many drivers use their referral codes to get bonuses when people sign up, but the smart ones make content for the web such as YouTube videos or tips sites.

This is my attempt at doing just that.  The only difference is I’m not just tossing out random tips and tricks about how to do Uber, oh no, I’m a writer.  I can’t make it that easy.  I’ve decided to turn my adventures into a story straight out of and incorporating Hell!

I love supernatural fantasy novels and I also love dark humor.  The Sandman Slim novels by Richard Kadrey come to mind, so I wanted to do something different and here it is.

Rideshare Renegade.  He’s an unwitting hero employed by Lucifer to be his champion in a cosmic war, while balancing his home life and driving for rideshare money.  Here’s my first post. Hope you enjoy!

https://ridesharerenegade.wordpress.com/2017/05/29/the-uber-pool-from-hell-no-really/

 

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Spring Break 2017 is a shit show.  It’s my first spring break since becoming an Uber driver but having been asleep for the last 10 years in a truly soul crushing dead end job, I’d all but forgotten that Spring Break was even a thing, or sunlight, or the Beach for that matter.

Aside from the over militarized police scanning the crowds for any sign that young out-of-state college kids might be having ‘fun’ and ruining their futures forever by arresting them or writing bullshit citations, it’s refreshing to see so many young people soaking up the sun and getting completely shitfaced before stumbling across the street like drunken dudebro zombies.  I say ‘young’ only because they’re technically younger than me, not because I’m old. I’m 34, I’m not 40… or dead. (trigger warning)

It’s been quite an adventure picking up passengers in recent weeks, most of whom are spring breakers as you can guess, but it’s also been the most lucrative few weeks I’ve had in a while, almost up to my full time pay when I was slaving away at $11 /hr.  I’ve met plenty of new people up to and including gaggles of bikini babes and frat party dudebros ogling said babes from the rear windows, but that doesn’t mean all my passengers are spring breakers.

For instance I got a ping at the Broward County Convention Center to pick some guy up from his super professional, super suity business conference of some sort.  The dude and his partner don’t matter, what matters is what happened as I was leaving the convention center.

As I turn North on Eisenhower Blvd. to head back to their hotel, there in the middle of the road is the most smug fucking iguana I’ve ever fucking seen.

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He’s just chillin’ in the road, not giving once single fuck about me or my passengers.  I slow enough to give him a chance to escape because of course he’s going to run away as soon as a massive four wheeled demi god rolls up on him and blares it’s foul, obnoxious battle cry directly in his face.  Only, he doesn’t.

He just sits there.

Staring at me.

If Iguana’s could talk, he would have definitely been saying, “Come at me bro!”

I tried to force him to move, I even crept up on him until he disappeared below my hood line.  I even thought I had run him over and felt terrible, so I backed up until I saw him again and sure enough, he was still sitting there.

Staring.

I gave him a final look and grumbled, “You’ve won this round,” before backing up further and turning my car to drive around him.  He had won, he’d won in the most callous way possible, by forcing me to abandon my pride in front of my passengers.  It was probably the most staggering defeat I’ve ever faced in my life but fortunately I survived to fight another day.  In the end, isn’t that what really matters?

If you want to get in on this Spring Break action or just want to do battle with South Florida’s wildlife, sign up to drive for Uber right here.

To all, safe driving, safe writing and safe saving…

-K.R. Krause

 

That was just one example of English language mastery I had to endure on my latest Uber drive.  I was on Las Olas Blvd. when the request chimed through my car speakers; it was an UberX request so naturally I accepted.  I pulled up to an old but well maintained hotel on the intra-coastal and should have immediately recognized what kind of trip I was going to be in for because the double doors blew wide open as soon as I stopped, but no one was there.  Maybe it was the breeze from the other side of the lobby which faced the water, but it was most likely the ghost of some long dead ‘dudebro’ shouting ‘YOLOOOO’ as I pulled up, but I digress.

Thankfully after about 4 and 3/8 minutes of waiting, my passenger(s), whom were very much alive, appeared through the freely swinging double doors and got in my car.  It was a simple enough pick up, so I swiped right to start the trip and saw they were going to a plaza down by the beach on A1A, which wasn’t a long trip, but traffic was thick.

Dudebro #1, whom we’ll call ‘Guy’ and dudebro #2, we’ll call him ‘Brad’ though he totally looked like a ‘Lance’ or ‘Connor’ were quite boisterous in their early afternoon banter, and clearly hungover.  I drove away and immediately found myself stuck in beach traffic.

“So did you even fuck that black chick last night?” Brad said to his friend.

“Nah, she just laid in bed… naked.”  Said Guy.

Already I knew I was entering the land of TMI and that there was no escape for me, the lowly Uber driver, but fortunately I’d gotten used to it.

“What the fuck?  She slept naked in your bed and didn’t do anything?” Brad said, clearly shocked by his friend’s admission.

“Nah man,” said Guy.

“Did she suck your dick at least?” Brad.

“Oh, well yeah she did suck my dick.”

::Record Scratch. Freeze Frame::

You may be wondering by now how someone can say a naked chick in his bed didn’t ‘do anything’ but ‘oh yeah, she sucked my dick’ and yet was still murky on the details of what the hell exactly happened last night.  Apparently Guy had himself a good night if he couldn’t even recall the minutest details, but I digress again.

“That chick was hot, but like she’s also really smart too,” Guy added.  He then attempted to explain that she was some manager at some upper class firm with some generic Lawyer sounding name that I don’t really give two shits about because I’m poor and driving for Uber just to survive.  Guy and this mysterious ‘hot and smart’ black chick probably blew more money, and other things, in a night than I make in a month.

Damn that Digression Gremlin on the wing.

We kept driving, and by ‘driving’ I mean we crawled along in traffic for another ten minutes until we got to the bridge that led to Ocean Blvd. (A1A).  Of course by then Brad and Guy’s ADD conversation progressed to the title of this blog post as we passed by several attractive members of the opposite sex who were jogging, bike riding, or walking their tea-bag doggies with their sugar daddies.

“Would you smash that?  Bro, yeah I’m asking the driver,” Guy asked.

“Sure, why not,” I replied in an attempt to humor him and get him to stop talking to me.  It didn’t work.

“What about her?  I’d totally smash that, she’s fine,” Guy added.

“Hell yeah,” I said more enthusiastically in case this human sea-sponge caught on to my lack of interest.  As expected, it failed again.

“Dude, you’ve got like, that epic movie voice going on.  Say something epic, bro.  Like, say ‘in a world full of hotties’ or something.”

I blinked to myself, not really believing what was happening but then Brad piped up.

“Dude, you totally could do Batman voice.”

To which Guy eagerly said, “Oh shit, yeah!  Do Batman voice!  No wait, I got a better idea.”

Oh, I couldn’t wait to hear what this ‘better idea’ was going to be.  To my surprise, I wasn’t disappointed.

“This is gonna sound weird, but if you just say it, we’ll totally rate you 5 stars!”  Guy said.  He then quickly added. “Just say ‘throw it in my ass’ in Batman Voice…”

Did I already do the record scratch and freeze frame? Yeah, I ran out of gimmicks so I’ll just get on with it.  Needless to say I was surprised and slightly disturbed.  What exactly was I getting myself into here?

In any case, we weren’t moving anywhere and I had to say something, so I decided if I had to do it, I had to go big or go home.  So without further hesitation I drummed up my best Batman Voice and said, “Throw it in my assssss!”

The dudebros got a kick out of that.  So much so, that Brad chimed in, “Dude that was sweet, but I want to record it, it’s an inside joke for a friend of ours.  Could you do it again?”

I did it once, I can do it again, after all these bleach spike encrusted Sea Monkies weren’t likely to catch a ride with me ever again anyway, so I said it again for the microphone.

Throw it… in my… asssss!!!”

The bros were satisfied, and I felt somewhat dirty.  The least they could do was explain the story behind this highly unorthodox request, so I asked them.

Fortunately they obliged me with a tale of one of their other friends, we’ll call him ‘Manny’ who had apparently slept with this girl one time who turned around mid-coitus and said to him ‘throw it in my ass’.  They all apparently thought this was hilarious and over forceful for some small Asian girl to demand that something be ‘thrown’ into her backdoor, not slid, slipped or stuck, but ‘fucking thrown’.  Thus the story became clear and I was mentally checking off more reasons as to why I disliked humanity.  Once I reach 500, there’s a prize!!!

We got over the bridge, barely, but by then Guy and Brad had gotten a call from some other friends asking to meet them at the Elbo Room instead of at their previous destination.  Since we were so close and traffic was so bad, I pulled off into Las Olas Circle to drop them off.  Just like that Guy and Brad left my vehicle, but not a tip, and I had yet another stain on my soul that I needed to wash off.

It was an enlightening experience.  I thought dudebros like that only existed in movies or online forums, but apparently they are very real and they are here among us.  Watch yourselves, and whatever you do, don’t throw anything into anyone’s ass.  It’s just rude.

End.

P.S. if you’re interested in becoming an Uber Driver so you can pick up your own Brad and Guy duo, please sign up under my invite link here.

Thanks.

-K.R. Krause

It’s January 25.  Five days have passed since the inauguration of a proven con-man, failed business owner, and generally repugnant human being known as Donald J. Trump.  The air of unreality is still thick around the majority of Americans wondering just how the HELL THIS HAPPENED, (hint: Hillary shafted Bernie Sanders), but it’s almost pointless to worry about that now.  It happened.  Trump is President ::gags:: and now we have to deal with it for his remaining four years.

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Artists and creatives have long been the target of extreme right wing attacks, censorship and persecution, just look at the Hollywood Ten for example.  The CIA and FBI both, also  extreme right wing, possibly Fascist, organizations have a long and documented history of infiltrating leftist and progressive organizations around the world and sabotaging them from within.  From COINTELPRO to outright assault against musicians like Tupac Shakur, it’s been clear to those willing to dig through declassified government files that the far Right has been waging war against anything deemed remotely leftist.

As vile Emperor and Sith Lord Palpatine has said, “Those who gain power are afraid to lose it.”  Of course he was talking smack about the Jedi, who probably could’ve benefited from being a bit more flexible with their doctrines I admit, but doing so as a way to manipulate Anakin Skywalker.  Does this sound familiar to you?  It should because Donald Trump is a fucking SITH LORD who just duped millions of generally decent, hard working Americans into voting for him!

Now everyone thinks they’re goddamned Darth Vader and that they have the right to decide who lives and dies, who gets a job and who gets force choked depending on the color of their skin or sexual orientation!  Let’s not forget the ACTUAL fucking racists, Neo-Nazis, and Klansmen who openly support Trump because they believe he’s some kind of golden haired demigod who’s going to make the white race great again. (if you believe that, I have a Death Star to sell you. Paypal only please.)

Already basic human rights and dignities are being signed away by executive order and fellow human beings from around the world will be put in further danger as the massive, over-bloated Imperial US military continues to wage war on other human beings, (not even terrorists, just people pissed off at watching their families get drone bombed and wanting revenge) so that military contractors and Wall St. Robber barrons can continue to funnel wealth to themselves and out of the US economy, because funding schools, fixing our roads, and ensuring people can eat and pay their bills after being let go is FUCKING EVIL SOCIALISM am I right?

It’s pretty clear to most people who’ve fallen on hard times, myself included, that the other half of America just collectively said, “Fuck poor people” and “if you don’t like America just go elsewhere (to where our jobs went)” so we can now live under the tyrannical rule of a real life Oompa Loompa and his fellow crony capitalists.  Now I understand what the Browncoats in Firefly felt like living in occupied territory, but I’ll just let Mal say it for me, he’s better at it.

Damn, I almost forgot how goddamn moving that speech was.  Also, since Firefly is a work of fiction created by the masterful Joss Whedon, it serves as yet another example of why art, writing, and creativity in general is so important.  You can spew facts and figures all day long to someone who disagrees with you, but something truly magical happens when you present that same evidence in a magical vessel called ‘fiction’.  You see, when you incorporate truth in fiction, you can attach it to the necessary emotions that make people feel empathy and come to understand what being on the other side is truly like.

That my friends is why we must continue to fight, to write, to make music, to be subversive and cause offense.  Empathy is what America needs now more than ever, not authoritarianism, not religion or cheap campaign slogans.  We need to understand that we are all people, even the assholes (except NAZIs, fuck them), and that we need to evolve our thinking beyond simple obedience and Lemming-like behavior.

In a world of ‘alternative facts,’ now more than ever we need to fight fiction with fiction.

-K.R. Krause

The Fallen: Part Deux

Posted: November 8, 2016 in Uncategorized

So it’s been some time since I first published my book Celestial: The Fallen and to be quite honest, I haven’t really done shit with it.  It’s not that I don’t want to do anything with it, it’s just that a lot of other things have been happening in my life that have made it difficult to to devote the necessary time to doing anything productive with said book.

However, I’ve since stumbled upon an abundance of free time, thanks in no small part to being let go from my job of 10 years for the barest veil of an excuse every concocted by a boss, and as such have decided to tackle my book a second time.  I’ve purchased back my publishing rights from the current publisher, America Star Books, and have since gone full tilt into a complete re-write of the entire book.  Yes you read that correctly; I am ‘re-booting’ my own book!

By the time I’m finished with my yet untitled re-boot, it’ll be a completely different story with better writing, better characters, better plot and yet will feel familiar to those who have read the original.  The theme of a Fallen Angel in Hell is still very much at the forefront of my writing, but now that I’ve had much more experience at the art of story craft, I can make it much more professionally polished and easy on the brain word-scanning thing in your heads.  Yeah, just like that <<<

I will try to keep you updated as I reach certain milestones in my writing, but take heart in knowing that I’m working on a fantastic story that will entertain, titillate, electrify and / or make you laugh with joy or derision (your choice) and you can bet I’ll let you know when it’s available for sale!

Until then, keep writing, friends.

-K.R. Krause

Okay, yeah I know that was annoying as hell but I had to write it! Seriously though, it’s been a rough couple of weeks for me.  I have no savings, I lost my job for very questionable reasons and now I have no stable source of income while I enter the vast chaotic sludge that is Job Hunting.

A silver lining however, is that in the meantime I’ve found a way to keep myself afloat for a while by signing up to drive with Uber.  I have a car that I take great pride in and I love to drive so it seemed like a good fit to make some money as well.  So far it’s been ‘okay’ money, but I’m still feeling out the living pulse of Broward County and learning where all the active fares tend to hang out.  Of course I have to actively avoid areas that have a high concentration of other Uber drivers as my chances of getting said fare are easily reduced and to be honesty, Uber drivers are f**cking everyWHERE!

Still I have an opportunity to make some money to help me out of a tight situation and one of those ways doesn’t even involve driving.  I set up a page where you can sign up to become an Uber Driver yourself, but if you do it through my personal Invite, I get a bonus for everyone who signs up.  Just click the menu above where it says “Drive with Uber” and you’ll find the link to my invite page where you can sign up, if you’re interested.  Or just click this.

It’s definitely been a unique experience for me, as it’s been quite some time since I’ve been unemployed but I see it as a blessing in disguise because I know so many more good things are going to come out of this in one form or another.

Much peace and love to all of you out there!

-K.R. Krause

So I’m trying to build some semblance of credibility as an author so I’ve decided to start blogging again.  Truth be told, I’ve been too apathetic and depressed for the last few decades months to bring myself enough courage to write. Literally every writing podcast I’ve listened to, every audiobook I played on my iPhone, and ever article I shared made me more depressed because it reminded me of how much I’m NOT WRITING.

Naturally, I let that cruel, comforting fruit of existential sorrow get me down until I did literally nothing but play videogames and contemplate a long, slow, diabetic death trip down McFlurry Suicide Mountain.  Well no more. No mas, I say!! That changes today and from here on as I fully intend to write SOMETHING every day, whether I post it or not!

I’m a starving artist intent on clawing my way out of the graveyard of broken dreams and half baked ideas until I find some GODDAMNED money meaningful purpose in my own existence!!

As such, I’ve dusted off the ol’ Blog, and have created my official Author page on FB, here.  But I need help! I need inspiration and word of mouth momentum for the few things I have actually written as well as  a cold, hard pile of cash meaninful advice and constructive criticism to help make my stories something the public wants to read and not demand a refund even though it’s a free promotion you arrogant sh*thead and pass on to their loved ones.

So please, let’s take this journey together, you and me. You on your side of the computer screen, and me safely on mine with the power to block all the negative douchebags who want to talk trash, and let’s make this a success!

Mine truly,

K.R. Krause