I Fought an Iguana and the Iguana Won

Posted: March 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

Spring Break 2017 is a shit show.  It’s my first spring break since becoming an Uber driver but having been asleep for the last 10 years in a truly soul crushing dead end job, I’d all but forgotten that Spring Break was even a thing, or sunlight, or the Beach for that matter.

Aside from the over militarized police scanning the crowds for any sign that young out-of-state college kids might be having ‘fun’ and ruining their futures forever by arresting them or writing bullshit citations, it’s refreshing to see so many young people soaking up the sun and getting completely shitfaced before stumbling across the street like drunken dudebro zombies.  I say ‘young’ only because they’re technically younger than me, not because I’m old. I’m 34, I’m not 40… or dead. (trigger warning)

It’s been quite an adventure picking up passengers in recent weeks, most of whom are spring breakers as you can guess, but it’s also been the most lucrative few weeks I’ve had in a while, almost up to my full time pay when I was slaving away at $11 /hr.  I’ve met plenty of new people up to and including gaggles of bikini babes and frat party dudebros ogling said babes from the rear windows, but that doesn’t mean all my passengers are spring breakers.

For instance I got a ping at the Broward County Convention Center to pick some guy up from his super professional, super suity business conference of some sort.  The dude and his partner don’t matter, what matters is what happened as I was leaving the convention center.

As I turn North on Eisenhower Blvd. to head back to their hotel, there in the middle of the road is the most smug fucking iguana I’ve ever fucking seen.


He’s just chillin’ in the road, not giving once single fuck about me or my passengers.  I slow enough to give him a chance to escape because of course he’s going to run away as soon as a massive four wheeled demi god rolls up on him and blares it’s foul, obnoxious battle cry directly in his face.  Only, he doesn’t.

He just sits there.

Staring at me.

If Iguana’s could talk, he would have definitely been saying, “Come at me bro!”

I tried to force him to move, I even crept up on him until he disappeared below my hood line.  I even thought I had run him over and felt terrible, so I backed up until I saw him again and sure enough, he was still sitting there.


I gave him a final look and grumbled, “You’ve won this round,” before backing up further and turning my car to drive around him.  He had won, he’d won in the most callous way possible, by forcing me to abandon my pride in front of my passengers.  It was probably the most staggering defeat I’ve ever faced in my life but fortunately I survived to fight another day.  In the end, isn’t that what really matters?

If you want to get in on this Spring Break action or just want to do battle with South Florida’s wildlife, sign up to drive for Uber right here.

To all, safe driving, safe writing and safe saving…

-K.R. Krause



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