Posts Tagged ‘Uber’

That was just one example of English language mastery I had to endure on my latest Uber drive.  I was on Las Olas Blvd. when the request chimed through my car speakers; it was an UberX request so naturally I accepted.  I pulled up to an old but well maintained hotel on the intra-coastal and should have immediately recognized what kind of trip I was going to be in for because the double doors blew wide open as soon as I stopped, but no one was there.  Maybe it was the breeze from the other side of the lobby which faced the water, but it was most likely the ghost of some long dead ‘dudebro’ shouting ‘YOLOOOO’ as I pulled up, but I digress.

Thankfully after about 4 and 3/8 minutes of waiting, my passenger(s), whom were very much alive, appeared through the freely swinging double doors and got in my car.  It was a simple enough pick up, so I swiped right to start the trip and saw they were going to a plaza down by the beach on A1A, which wasn’t a long trip, but traffic was thick.

Dudebro #1, whom we’ll call ‘Guy’ and dudebro #2, we’ll call him ‘Brad’ though he totally looked like a ‘Lance’ or ‘Connor’ were quite boisterous in their early afternoon banter, and clearly hungover.  I drove away and immediately found myself stuck in beach traffic.

“So did you even fuck that black chick last night?” Brad said to his friend.

“Nah, she just laid in bed… naked.”  Said Guy.

Already I knew I was entering the land of TMI and that there was no escape for me, the lowly Uber driver, but fortunately I’d gotten used to it.

“What the fuck?  She slept naked in your bed and didn’t do anything?” Brad said, clearly shocked by his friend’s admission.

“Nah man,” said Guy.

“Did she suck your dick at least?” Brad.

“Oh, well yeah she did suck my dick.”

::Record Scratch. Freeze Frame::

You may be wondering by now how someone can say a naked chick in his bed didn’t ‘do anything’ but ‘oh yeah, she sucked my dick’ and yet was still murky on the details of what the hell exactly happened last night.  Apparently Guy had himself a good night if he couldn’t even recall the minutest details, but I digress again.

“That chick was hot, but like she’s also really smart too,” Guy added.  He then attempted to explain that she was some manager at some upper class firm with some generic Lawyer sounding name that I don’t really give two shits about because I’m poor and driving for Uber just to survive.  Guy and this mysterious ‘hot and smart’ black chick probably blew more money, and other things, in a night than I make in a month.

Damn that Digression Gremlin on the wing.

We kept driving, and by ‘driving’ I mean we crawled along in traffic for another ten minutes until we got to the bridge that led to Ocean Blvd. (A1A).  Of course by then Brad and Guy’s ADD conversation progressed to the title of this blog post as we passed by several attractive members of the opposite sex who were jogging, bike riding, or walking their tea-bag doggies with their sugar daddies.

“Would you smash that?  Bro, yeah I’m asking the driver,” Guy asked.

“Sure, why not,” I replied in an attempt to humor him and get him to stop talking to me.  It didn’t work.

“What about her?  I’d totally smash that, she’s fine,” Guy added.

“Hell yeah,” I said more enthusiastically in case this human sea-sponge caught on to my lack of interest.  As expected, it failed again.

“Dude, you’ve got like, that epic movie voice going on.  Say something epic, bro.  Like, say ‘in a world full of hotties’ or something.”

I blinked to myself, not really believing what was happening but then Brad piped up.

“Dude, you totally could do Batman voice.”

To which Guy eagerly said, “Oh shit, yeah!  Do Batman voice!  No wait, I got a better idea.”

Oh, I couldn’t wait to hear what this ‘better idea’ was going to be.  To my surprise, I wasn’t disappointed.

“This is gonna sound weird, but if you just say it, we’ll totally rate you 5 stars!”  Guy said.  He then quickly added. “Just say ‘throw it in my ass’ in Batman Voice…”

Did I already do the record scratch and freeze frame? Yeah, I ran out of gimmicks so I’ll just get on with it.  Needless to say I was surprised and slightly disturbed.  What exactly was I getting myself into here?

In any case, we weren’t moving anywhere and I had to say something, so I decided if I had to do it, I had to go big or go home.  So without further hesitation I drummed up my best Batman Voice and said, “Throw it in my assssss!”

The dudebros got a kick out of that.  So much so, that Brad chimed in, “Dude that was sweet, but I want to record it, it’s an inside joke for a friend of ours.  Could you do it again?”

I did it once, I can do it again, after all these bleach spike encrusted Sea Monkies weren’t likely to catch a ride with me ever again anyway, so I said it again for the microphone.

Throw it… in my… asssss!!!”

The bros were satisfied, and I felt somewhat dirty.  The least they could do was explain the story behind this highly unorthodox request, so I asked them.

Fortunately they obliged me with a tale of one of their other friends, we’ll call him ‘Manny’ who had apparently slept with this girl one time who turned around mid-coitus and said to him ‘throw it in my ass’.  They all apparently thought this was hilarious and over forceful for some small Asian girl to demand that something be ‘thrown’ into her backdoor, not slid, slipped or stuck, but ‘fucking thrown’.  Thus the story became clear and I was mentally checking off more reasons as to why I disliked humanity.  Once I reach 500, there’s a prize!!!

We got over the bridge, barely, but by then Guy and Brad had gotten a call from some other friends asking to meet them at the Elbo Room instead of at their previous destination.  Since we were so close and traffic was so bad, I pulled off into Las Olas Circle to drop them off.  Just like that Guy and Brad left my vehicle, but not a tip, and I had yet another stain on my soul that I needed to wash off.

It was an enlightening experience.  I thought dudebros like that only existed in movies or online forums, but apparently they are very real and they are here among us.  Watch yourselves, and whatever you do, don’t throw anything into anyone’s ass.  It’s just rude.


P.S. if you’re interested in becoming an Uber Driver so you can pick up your own Brad and Guy duo, please sign up under my invite link here.


-K.R. Krause